Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?