For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
oh you wanna fight?!
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
so weird how every mom was born today