who named him groot and not spruce lee
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Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood