we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans