We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
get you a girl who
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol