my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT