When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.