I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*