They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you