Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open