I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Dammit Chief not again
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.