putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My neck, my back, my…
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop