gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
had to share :’)
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.