Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.