I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
technically true but not a great slogan
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.