Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
everyone’s a critic
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now