FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I’m sorry…what?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.