Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.