[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Safety first
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.