My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Guilty! 🤪
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?