Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this