1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
You Might Also Like
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My safe word is Worcestershire
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.