my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.