There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I am also baked goods
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.