Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”