No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too