Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces