Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW