It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating