Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true