Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
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Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!