I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My first son he is wonderful
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*