Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
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Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.