It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.