Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation