If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.