It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
scared to check what name she chose
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u