*sewing*
A thread
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Who knew!
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.