If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
No way!
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
He’s cranky this morning
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!