I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
You Might Also Like
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.