When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My Plans 2020
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
S/o to @funTweeters .
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what