Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Self-cleaning conscience
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Going into Monday like
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today