People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*