My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Important
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
White parent Vs Arab parents