I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
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You are not alone 💚
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.