*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You Might Also Like
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Well, this certainly took a turn
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too