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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Check your privilege
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.