[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic