Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.