I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Milk Cube
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
White parent Vs Arab parents
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty